I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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