Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I party with great urgency now.
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