ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize