k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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