You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
