Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
