The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Randomize
