The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
