I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
