Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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