2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
