I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You are a genius and a whore.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
