My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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