and you said cock pushups were impossible
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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