it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize