Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
