I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
