Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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