Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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