Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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