Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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