goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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