That's when you crack a 10am beer
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
