every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
