seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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