dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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