Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
