Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
