things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
