if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
