Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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