every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
