She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
