I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
