Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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