The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
