I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
