Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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