Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
