My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
