I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
