im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
