Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I have demons in me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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