Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
