If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
