last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
