life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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