just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
