yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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