Nicole vs. Life
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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