In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
