if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
