guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
