R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
