I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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