yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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