the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
