worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
