Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
