why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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