When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
PANTIES FOUND
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